It’s April 2005 and my birthday is fast approaching. I’ll be 38 years old. I’m no longer a “spring chicken” and this thought sends my mind wandering over various stages of my life. As a child always wanting to please my parents, as a teenager gaining weight in all the right places but feeling as if I were fat, as a college student going through the parties, drinking, pizza, and gaining weight, as a young, married adult and the trauma that Jim and I underwent with his brain tumor and rehabilitation, and as an older adult conquering obesity and being a competitive bodybuilder. Now here I sit having the worst post-contest rebound I’ve ever had. I accomplished what I set out to do… “Prove it can be done!” were the words that rang through my head during most workouts. Prove that an obese woman with loads of responsibilities can become a champion bodybuilder with an amazing physique. This was done… through all the struggles, family hardships, lost sleep, grueling workouts, late night meal prep, etc… So I reached my goal. 5th in the Nation and the overall Colorado champ. Now what?

To say that I’m done would not be correct. Through this whole physique transformation process I have been blessed by so many people, made lasting friendships, been inspired by those determined souls, and inspired thousands through magazine articles, TV shows and the Internet. It became my passion, my absolute passion and sole purpose in life to inspire, motivate and teach people out there to do what I have done. To renew their lives with health and vigor. All my focus went to those who needed me. It seemed as though the whole world needed me and I became overwhelmed. After all, my family needed me too. Was I sacrificing my family for my passion?

I didn’t do a very good job handling it all. When I had too much to do I felt so overwhelmed at times that I chose to do nothing. My desk is piled with papers and brochures that I should have dealt with already. My e-mail inbox is full. And while my greatest hearts desire is to continue to inspire, I must lay it all on the line here and be truthful.

Leading up to the 2003 Colorado State Bodybuilding Competition I was on a quest to get lean and take the title. I had noticed during my contest preparations that it was more difficult than ever to get lean this time. I was doing 2 sessions of stepmill per day… one hour each, I was cutting the carbs out of meals 3 – 6, I was strictly “on plan” and not losing the bodyfat as needed. So I did something drastic. I went 10 weeks on nothing but fish and green veggies for every meal. Yes, that means breakfast too! This method actually worked very well at getting me “contest ready” (although I never did reach the leanness that I desired) but boy did it do a number on my metabolism! After that contest I resumed eating a typical Body for Life type of menu plan with a portion of lean protein and a portion of unprocessed carbohydrate at each meal with a couple of servings of veggies at each meal. To my surprise after just 2 weeks I had gained 20 pounds! And the pounds kept piling on. I went to the doctor to find out that I had thrown my thyroid into hypothyroidism. No WONDER it was getting so difficult to keep the weight off! Then my stupidity overcame any rational thought… “if I’m gaining weight anyway, I might as well enjoy the process.” is what I thought… and I began eating “off-plan” more than 30% of the time. Well, you guessed it… the weight piled on even more.

I didn’t realize how badly I felt about all of this until I ran into Allison last night. Todd and Allison had invited me to speak at one of their BFL support group functions a couple of years back. It was a wonderful event and I felt inspired by the commitment of the group to better their physiques. Fast forward to last night. To my surprise, who strolled onto the bodybuilding stage looking lean, radiant, and full of life? Allison! She had conquered her fears, eating disorders, and made it! I was so full of pride for her! I cheered for her on stage. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “I hope I don’t run into her or any BFLers tonight.” because I was so ashamed of my failure… my physique has turned from the best in the state to a soft pile of mush. As fate would have it, Allison came up to me after the show and was SO cordial with me. Although I was embarrassed, we talked for a bit and shared stories. Then out of the blue I just broke down into tears and hugged her. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. She turned to me and said,
"Pam, no matter where you are now, you are still such an inspiration."

On the way home from the event while we were discussing this surprising meltdown that I had, my husband Jim said,
"Pam, this is all part of continuing to build your story. There is a reason for this setback."
I thought about that and it struck me… other people can learn from this and not have to suffer like I have. It will help me help others obtain a balance.

So that’s what my goal is in 2005… BALANCE! I have a ways to go to get the physique I want. But more than anything else I want health, I want time with my family, and I want to continue to help those in need.